So, here I sit. Comfortable in my desk chair in a clean, tidy indoor office, flowering garden in my window, hummingbirds zipping by. No dirt. No wind. A cool drink in my hand. Ice cubes bobbing around my cup. It all feels so far away, like a vague memory of a dream. I have worked all week for that feeling. The first few days after I left the Pine Ridge Reservation, I erupted in spontaneous bouts of crying. All day long. I'm not a crier. But now, my worldview will never be the same. My view of myself, my history, our history, my many levels of privilege that I was both painfully aware of and completely unaware of, my "goodness," my evil, my place in the world in the mess of it all. I can never unopen my eyes.